What to do about Hurtful Remarks

When you are a grieving parent, you undoubtedly have a long list of things people have said to you about your baby that hurt you much more than helped you. People are most often well intentioned, but ignorant of what is acceptable to say and what is not. By offering these sometimes hurtful remarks, people are often trying to say they care about you and the pain you are experiencing. It is perfectly acceptable to educate people who make hurtful remarks when you are feeling up to it. Just try to remember the person who made the remark is probably not trying to be hurtful.

In our grief, we often want to respond to hurtful remarks with angry hurtful remarks of our own. While it is perfectly normal and expected for you to be angry, it is never helpful for you to respond in a mean or hurtful way. What is most helpful for you and others who may lose a baby in the future is for you to inform the person making the remark that it is a hurtful thing for you to hear and why. It also helps to think about, prepare and practice how you will respond to questions and/or comments, especially ones you hear often. Questions that are usually difficult are, “Do you have any children and how many?” Some responses could be:

♥  We have a son/daughter, but s/he died.

♥  We have __ living children and a son/daughter that died.

♥  I lost a baby at __ weeks or I had a miscarriage.

Just be honest and answer in a way that feels right to you and does not cause you to feel you are dishonoring your baby. Some people will be very uncomfortable with your honesty, but allow yourself to honor your child in whatever way you are comfortable with. It is not easy to hear hurtful words spoken to you after losing a baby, but remember the intention behind the words. You may be able to educate someone on what not to say and at the same time, give your baby a beautiful memory.

When attending family functions, plan ahead of time what you will say or not say.

♥  How much information will you disclose?

♥  Will you tell everyone or just those you feel most comfortable with?

Your actions and words about your baby will set the tone in how others respond to the loss of your baby. Be firm about the love and feelings you have for your baby and remember there are no magic words anybody can say to make you feel better. Encourage yourself that others do care about you and the loss of your precious baby.