Michelle’s story
I am a mother to 5 children. Three of my kids live here, on earth, with me and the rest of my family. My other two daughters are in Heaven living with God, Jesus and the other Saints. My first miscarriage occurred in January 2007. It was my third pregnancy, and I was due on August 12 . I immediately felt with that pregnancy that something was wrong. I was divinely prepared, through images in my head and with other conversations with God. So, when I went for my 12 week appointment, the news of my baby dying just a few days before, wasn’t a total shock. Of course, my husband and I were sad, but God had us surrounded by all the right people. We could completely feel His love and presence. I cried for about 2 hours, and then it was complete verbal diarrhea for God’s love and answer to a prayer. My husband saw God’s love for us and God’s plan, which helped him be open to NFP, Natural Family Planning. We named our daughter, Anna Magdalen. She definitely had a purpose, and we could all see that. The only regret I had with Anna, was that I left her at the hospital. I’m sure that she was thrown in with all of the other medical waste. Everything happened so fast, and no one asked me if I wanted my baby, and I didn’t even know if that was possible. That has somewhat haunted me for the past 7 years.
We then had our “Rainbow Baby”, Luke William, almost exactly a year from when Anna was due. I was hoping to get pregnant soon after Luke was born, but we all know how “our plans” work out. Luke was turning 5, and my husband and I were starting to think that God was finished giving us babies. You can imagine our shock when the pregnancy test said POSITIVE!!!!! It was over Thanksgiving of 2013. We waited to tell our families until Christmas and surprise them with the news. Everyone was so shocked and happy. I am the geriatric one in my family. Again my due date was August 12 , the same as Anna’s. At first, I thought that was good news. Maybe my “second” chance!! Everything was going well until my 9 week when I started to have some spotting and cramping. Two days later, both of the symptoms were gone. I had an OB appointment with a new doctor and explained my symptoms to him. He decided to do a Doppler on me, because for some reason he doesn’t do his own sonograms. CRAZY!!!! Of course he didn’t find the heartbeat. At this point, I still felt like everything was ok. And, I had received no divine apparitions as I had with the first miscarriage. Long story short, I had a sonogram the next day which showed that our baby had died at about 7 1⁄2 weeks. The first thing I thought of was that I don’t have my answer to my question regarding getting my baby after a D&C. My only prayer during this pregnancy was “please don’t let me miscarry this baby because I don’t have my question answered.” In the moment that I heard the news I was so disappointed that I had dropped the ball in getting my answer. I was also a bit mad at God for not preparing me as he did for the first one.
I thought for sure that I would need a D&C since our baby had been dead for 2weeks, but God blessed me with bleeding the day after my sonogram, Sunday, January 12 . It wasn’t until Monday morning around 10:30 that I pushed my baby into the toilet, or what I thought was my baby, after an hour of the most painful and organic labor that I had ever had. I was all by myself, and when my mom came back, she so graciously and reverently went through the remains to find our baby girl. We were not quite sure what we were looking for, but my mom was convinced that she was not there. I went to see my old OB the next day for a vaginal sonogram, and he even thought that I had expelled everything but also saw some more blood that needed to come out but no baby. I started to get increased cramping later on that day. I was needing to go up to church that afternoon for a meeting, and I thought that maybe I should bring a baggie and a slotted spoon with me. That was all thanks to the Holy Spirit!! Anyway, as I was walking into the Formation building, I felt another gush of blood. I walked into the bathroom and tried to relax but nothing came out. There wasn’t even any blood. I grabbed some toilet paper and wiped myself. When I brought up the toilet paper, I saw my baby and her “blanket”(sac) along side her. I knew instantly that it was her. It was my HUGE gift from God. It felt so wonderful to deliver and hold my baby girl in my hand. The whole family was able to hold her, and we named her Faith. And, unlike Anna, we were able to baptize her and bury her with her cousin, Ainslee. I have many different emotions after this miscarriage, but I was also able to see God’s love and gift that He gave to us. I look forward to meeting my sweet daughters someday. Thanks for reading Our Story.
